Dead Wrong: Dems to Allow Deceased to Vote


Washington, D.C.- House Democrats launched a new plan to allow dead people to vote from beyond the grave on Wednesday.

The plan allows for family members to cast a vote for their dearly departed as if they were still alive. Deceased voters are eligible as long as they passed within the preceding ten years. When asked how to determine for whom the dead will vote, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) said, “Who knows them better? Their families will make an informed decision based on the wishes they whispered in private.”

A passerby overhearing the interview asked Cortez how the “dead” can vote, to which she snapped, “We prefer the term ‘alternatively-alive.’ You’re a livist if you do not refer to them in the preferred manner.” She never actually answered the passerby’s question.

Legal experts expect portions of the law to face tough challenges in the court system, though. Lee Grayson, a noted attorney, said certain provisions make easy key targets of opponents. The bill requires the decedent to have spent 85% of his or her life within 30 miles of certain cities. San Fransisco, Chicago, New York, and Boston headline the list of exclusively blue-voting cities eligible under the plan. Grayson says the Democrat plan is a new form of gerrymandering.

House Speaker Nanci Pelosi believes assertions that the plan would unfairly favor Democrats are unfounded. She believes that it’s only fair that Democrats get their turn after having to endure two years of “He IS your president” jokes.

It remains a mystery how Democrats expect to get the bill to stick with a conservative supreme court majority. Cortez says using votes of the deceased to abolish conservatism via Constitutional amendment is not off the table. House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy said of the plan, “I’ve got nothing” as he threw his hands up in despair. “I just don’t know how to deal with this level of…bullshit.”


  1. Seriously!? You think family members wouldn’t use it as an opportunity to vote twice? Not all families are that loyal to each other.

    I can see honoring a ballot mailed in before death. Beyond that, no beyond the grave voting.

  2. As a long-time deceased Democrat, it offends me deeply that I should be restricted to only two apres-vie Presidential elections! I demand to be included in the voter roles indefinitely, as I have been an American citizen since my birth on American soil, and have been buried in equally American soil (albeit in a different state, but nevertheless) since my untimely demise in my sleep in 1998.

    It seems irrational to me that I be removed for the roles due to outrageously small-minded discrimination such as whether I am ALIVE or not!


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