British Officers Testing New Flare Guns: Real Guns Still Not Allowed


Oxfordborrow, England – A tiny town across the pond made local headlines last month in Oxfordborrow, England. The town was declared the third most violent British suburb per capita, for the second year in a row.  Violent crimes rose 13% in 2018 while police presence decreased almost 5% due to attrition through retirements. 

Violence against the police force has also risen since September, 2018 to the tune of a whopping 23%.   Oxforborrow Chief Constable, Oliver Davies believes he has found a viable solution that may turn the tides against crime and better protect his officers, “We’ll take the egg against these blokes.” He said. “Our officers don’t flub the dub, and I promise you, we will wipe the gigglemug from crimes’ face if it’s the last thing we do.” 

The innovative chief has instituted a new policy, issuing each and every second officer a flare gun.  “It is my hope that these tools will be used wisely to fend off criminals by one; creating a diversion and two; indicating a struggling officers location for additional officers to respond to.”  When asked about the likelihood of issuing firearms in the near future, the chief constable replied, “I don’t believe that’s a viable solution to violence. I prefer my officers meet a suspects level of force with the same amount of force, no more.”  When asked about criminals with guns, he responded, “We`ll cross that London bridge when we come  to it.”

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