BREAKING: Dozens Charged in Police Academy Admissions Scandal

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Washington, D.C. – Federal prosecutors have announced the impending conclusion to an investigation well underway for more than 14 months that has uncovered a scam to gain admissions into the nation’s most prestigious police academies. The operation, headed by the FBI, was code-named “Bakers Dozen” and has now successfully brought evidence forward of the acceptance of less than qualified recruits in exchange for free pastries.

The academies involved read like a star studded Oscar nominations list: NYPD, LAPD, Boston PD, Las Vegas Metro, Texas DPS-Rangers Division and Michigan State Police just to name a few institutions to have been named thus far while others are still being held close to the chest by investigators.

But it’s not just these beloved historic police academies that are involved as it always takes two to tango. At the heart of the scam are some of the owners and higher executives at prominent donut chain locations such as Dunkin’ Donuts, Krispy Kreme and even Canadian based Tim Hortons. BNN attempted to obtain a statement from George Price Cooper IV (CFO and Executive VP at Krispy Kreme) as he was visiting a location near the Capitol building but employees shut the “hot now” sign off and locked the doors.

Essentially, the initial FBI report explains that because officers of these departments had long received donuts and coffee at deep discounts that the donut shop owners felt they were owed something. To sweeten the offer, the donut makers promised full fledged free power rings for life should their children be admitted into the academies for no charge and stationed for protection at key business locations upon certification as officers.

The exact charges are yet unknown but arrests and indictments are expected to come through the weekend. The news of the scandal even reached the desk of the President who tweeted:

Former Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio (no stranger to trouble himself) said, “It’s stunning that this could be happening. The law enforcement code of ethics clearly states that officers are to never employ necessary force or violence and never to accept gratuities.”

BNN staff cannot help but wonder if the lack of quality candidates for law enforcement is at least a small factor in the rise of an “any means necessary” mindset to get warm bodies into academy seats. The reality is that this situation will drag on for years in class action lawsuits from past recruits who either failed entrance tests for the academies or failed during the course of their training in order to make room for these donut loving duds.

3 COMMENTS

  1. The intensely sincere and humorless scolds who lecture you are almost as funny as your entertaining satire. Keep writing for those of us who still remember how to laugh at ourselves!

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